#427: Water Tastes Like Water

Featured Image by TESD patreon

Description:

Robo-Q visits, Walt makes a stinky Sophie’s choice. Bry defines irony.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Brian Quinn

Walt Flanagan

Mentioned Person:

Reoccurring Segments:  

Quotes:

“Do I got diarrhea on me?” – Walt

“I fucked up, I’ll never do it again God, I promise!” – Bry as no-voice Q

“Let’s fuck this love tunnel up again, Sal”- Female Voice Robo Q

“If you got to fuck a beast, Blue Chew is there for you.” – Robo Q

‘Why do I need fuckin’ Blue Chew?  I got Super Bowl rings!” – Walt

“That’s Ming’s middle name.  Ming Kaching Chen.” – Bry

“Did they take the balls with the polyps?” – Walt

“You look dashing, let me give you a hand job.” – Female Voice Robo Q to Walt

Memorable Moments:

Q has recently had throat surgery to remove some polyps and can’t talk for two weeks. He is stuck using a Stephen Hawking voice box and says it is isolating and depressing not being able to converse.

Q tries out a few different computer voices.  Bry asks Walt if he’d accept a hand job from a female voiced Q on a deserted island.  Q says the fame and fortune is not worth losing his voice.

Bagel Shrimp has a stroke and set up a GoFundMe for medical aid.  He has not received the level of support that Sage’s cat Princess Mitch got after her health scare.

Maribeth is playing Lottery Scratchers despite already winning the lottery by landing Bry.

Walt says he’s been using nurse’s scrubs as lounge pants from new sponsor Fig.

Walt says his super smelling is a curse and would trade it away in a heartbeat.

Bry asks if Walt and Q would rather take an ass kicking or getting hot diarrhea poured over them by a crazed homeless man from a bucket.

Bry ends up going down an anal sex Wikipedia rabbit hole.

Bry and Q buy matching Puff Daddy velour track suits.

Walt is growing a pencil mustache to annoy his family.

Bry tries to play an exchange he accidentally recorded from his dash cam when a McDonald’s worker gets Sage’s order wrong despite Bry confirming it three separate times.  He want’s to know if he acted like an asshole but can’t get the technology to cooperate and gives up in frustration.

#426: Gone Phishin’

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Description:

Bry’s mental state is thrown into question. A long, lost, guest is welcomed back.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Brian Quinn

Walt Flanagan

Frank #3

Mentioned Person:

Reoccurring Segments:  

Quotes:

“The thing I noticed since losing weight I am so veiny now I look like a fucking Rick Baker creation!” -Bry

“Ok the only way I can make it in show business is I gotta fuckin’ fist myself?” – Walt

“Mike is so fucking hard edge, straight edge like me.” – Walt

“Hey let’s not sexually assault little girls, let’s beat up robots.” – Bry

“I don’t care if Burrow never acknowledges but they fucking know and they better fucking respect!” – Walt

“Hurry up and pick a date because your brother Erik needs to know because he’s a doctor and you’re a shitheel!” – Bry as Pam

“I love on the Wikipedias it says ‘Frank 3 is some dude they know and make fun of him'” – Frank 3

“They aren’t all SModfans and TESDGroupies.”-Bry

Memorable Moments:

Bry is no longer floating on cloud 9 from his engagement.  He tries talking to a therapist online but the connection keeps dropping.

Bry and Walt went to see the new Terminator movie.  They question the reasoning of the heroes using cybernetic enhancements against evil AI.

TESD ants get Burrow trending on Twitter against Sunday Night Football, Maribeth gets radio silence from Burrow and the ad agency.  Bry recalls a time he used the Ants swarming for evil when he had them go against a local paper called The Wag after an incident discussed on #117: Q The Cuddle Bear

The Christmas episode is set to drop on Christmas Eve 2019.  Walt invites Q to his place for Christmas, but only for half an hour though.

Pam’s reaction to Bryan’s engagement is to awkwardly ask for the date ASAP for everyone else’s convenience.

Australian K-Marts remove an offensive Child Bride costume.

Bry was invited to attend a meeting at Sage’s school to prepare parents to discuss with their special needs children about their burgeoning sexualities.

Frank 3 is here to regain his official Frank status.  He talks about his time following the band Phish around the country and the craziest thing he’s ever seen was a naked dude.

Q sees a dude reach into his asshole and remove a sponge at a burlesque show.

Walt says the Halloween show with Svengoolie was not universally loved.

#425: Prince Bry of Monaco

Featured Image by Kenny Rubenis

Description:

The advertising piper is paid. Bry hangs up his tool belt for good. Historic news comes from Tesdtown.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Brian Quinn

Walt Flanagan

Maribeth

Mentioned Person:

4Colors4Life Facebook Group

Reoccurring Segments:  

Quotes:

“I know better than you do, I AM a schlub!” -Bryan

“We are turning over a new leaf and going to be sucking much dick.” – Walt

“You are getting the Tell’Em Steve Dave golden tampon for this week, congratulations.” – Q

“I don’t want anyone to see me drivin’, it would be like showing my belly.” – Walt

“My first business relationship is with the listeners and they deserve to be entertained as much as advertisers get their dick’s wet.” – Walt

“What a bloodline, you ever see Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2?” – Q to Maribeth

“Most of her fantasies with me involve insurance payouts.” – Bryan

“This could have been the greatest love story ever told on a podcast and fuckin Ron Jeremy is in it, memorizing a 35 digit number, Romeo and Juliet has changed since the Bard wrote it!” – Walt

“Ooo Chef Robert made this for me, Ooo Chef Robert made that for me!  Shut the fuck up bitch, ok you know Chef Robert!” – Bryan

“Our wedding registry is at the cemetery.” – Bryan

Memorable Moments:

Walt and Bryan give Q a recap of the live All New Sunday Jeff Show organized by the 4Colors4Life Facebook group.  Walt claims at times Sunday Jeff looked like a clubbed baby seal with all the attention he was getting.  Bry was perplexed why Walt decided to park a block away instead of right by the door when he knew he had tons of chairs to transport to the venue.  Walt doesn’t like people to see him drive, it is too personal of an activity.

Ernie O’Donnel ends up fixing Bryan’s door for him.  Bry offers to act as his assistant but Ernie sends him away.  Bryan thought the door frame that was attached to his new door was just a disposable hanger.

Walt quotes Grace Kelly “…you don’t get anything for nothing. Everything has to be earned, through work, persistence and honesty.” but Bryan and Q agree that that no one wants to hear that message in 2019.

TESD address the Burrow ad saying that they will never shit on an advertiser again and will instead be in full dick-sucking mode.  Q retroactively claims he tried to reign in Bry and Walt.  To make it up to Burrow, Walt asks the ants to tweet out #burrowrocks to get it trending on Sunday November, 3.

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Maribeth is revealed to be the new TESD ad representative responsible for getting new sponsors.  This perhaps explains Bryan’s new-found respect for their advertisers.

Bryan drops big personal news.  He and Maribeth got engaged recently in Key West.  Q reminds him that he needs to annul his marriage to Stacy Patella-Johnson

Bry and Maribeth retell how Bryan proposed.  Bryan has been wanting to try stand-up comedy so pulled some strings to get a short set at a local comedy club and wanted to propose while on stage.  On the way to the club they take an Uber to get a bite to eat and Bryan thinks he left the ring in a bag in the back seat.  The driver denies having the bag and Bryan wants to go back to the hotel to check but Maribeth says he doesn’t need his bag.  Bryan is getting agitated as dinner is taking longer than he thought and he is getting texted by the club owner that his set is coming up but Maribeth wants him to relax and says they are in no hurry.  While finally on stage doing his routine he loses his place and when reaching for some note cards realizes they are all out of order and throws them all over the place in frustration.  Bryan proposes and Maribeth happily says yes.

Walt reads some tips and tricks from Cosmo to Bry and Maribeth now that they are a young engaged couple.

4Colors4Life Facebook Group

Join the Facebook Group

Description:

4Colors4Life is the largest Tell’Em Steve Dave fan group on Facebook with close to 2000 members including some TESD town residents.  The group’s administrators, Danielle and Adam, frequently host giveaways for Tell’Em Steve Dave stickers, patches, and other goodies and have organized several Ant Moots to visit the Secret Stash, Collingwood Market, and attend a live taping of the Sunday Jeff Show.  There is also a buy/sell/trade part of the group for Tell’Em Steve Dave and View Askew related items.

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First Mention of the Group

#408: Activate Baby Mode

#424: Chicken Centipede

Featured Image by BSJett

Description:

Bry, Walt, and Q talk to a special Halloween guest.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Brian Quinn

Walt Flanagan

Svengoolie

Reoccurring Segments:  

Quotes:

“I saw sexy Mr. Rogers.” – Walt

“Leave my body in the street or at the very least in the trash can.” – Bryan

“I want spooky stuff and skimpy costumes.  That’s MY Halloween.” – Q

“Fuck it, let’s do a sexy Handmaiden’s Tale costume.” – Q as CEO of Yandy

“I’m like Elvira but with different Topography.” – Svengoolie

Memorable Moments:

Recorded at A Shared Universe Podcast Studio.

Walt seems to think that slutty Halloween costumes are going away much to Q and Bry’s horror.  The company Yandy is still leading the way in sexy costumes.  Which topics should be off-limits for sexifying?  Sexy Twin Towers?  Sexy Jon Benet, Sexy Holocaust Victim.

Q has discovered pants that can unzip into shorts and it has changed his life.

Good Housekeeping publishes their Most Offensive Costume list for 2019

Walt’s horror host hero, Svengoolie, calls in to talk to TESD.  He discusses his origin’s sending free jokes and skits to the original Svengoolie, Jerry Bishop , and how he took over as the Son of Svengoolie when he moved to California.

Walt asks for tips and tricks for anyone who wants to be an up and coming horror host, i.e. the Baron Von Flanagan.

Q offers to come on Svengoolie’s show on MeTV as the Nephew of Svengoolie, asks if he can come on if he can secure the rights to the film Fiend Without a Face

TESD questions Svengoolie on his favorite monsters, films, and comics.

There is another New Jersey based horror host called Halloween Jack operating out of Tom’s River.  Is there room enough for two horror hosts in the same county?

#423: The One Where They Seem Comatose

Featured Image by @dominicduca

Description:

Someone besmirches Q’s beloved Ghostbustahs. Walt ruminates about a life most ordinary.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Brian Quinn

Walt Flanagan

Reoccurring Segments:  

Quotes:

“He can rape anybody he wan ts, he’s Doctah Petah Venkman!” – Bry as Q

“Ming’s my foreign friend.” – Bry as Walt

“That’s the Spanish Fly of retail.” – Walt about free shipping.

“I’m not a guy who cares about spoilers.  I’m a fuckin’ adult.” – Walt

“We have a Trans.” – Q

“Is her name Sally Vulcano?” – Bry

“I don’t care how dusty it is down there, you’ll spread them for free shipping.” – Walt

Memorable Moments:

The episode starts off with a discussion over the movie Joker.  Bry and Q have both seen it.  Walt decided to stay home and watch football instead.  Walt wonders if comic book movies should responsibly be rated R knowing that kids are going want to see it.  Bry thinks that the rating system is outdated anyway since kids can see whatever they want on streaming services and much worse on the internet anyway.

Martin Scorsese has come out saying that Marvel movies are not cinema.  Says they are more like a theme park and shouldn’t be taken seriously.  Walt thinks this is as if Charlie Chaplin came out against the slasher movies of the 80s, he’s too far removed to be relevant.

Burrow came back at TESD after their less than complimentary ad in #421: Retailer Holocaust.  In response Bry reads a very dry verbatim script read for the sponsor.  This ad is later removed and a new version of the episode uploaded without it.

Q is annoyed when someone on Twitter mentioned that his personal idol Dr. Peter Venkman was a sexual predator.

Q say the crew on Impractical Jokers is so cool and diverse but he feels he needs to walk a tightrope between joking with them as he thinks of them as friends but also knows he is their boss and doesn’t want to offend anyone.  He says complaining about Ghostbusters is a fireable offense.

Walt wonders at Q’s exotic life experiences and the wide variety of people he has met and interacts with.  Ming is the most foreign person he knows.

Murr now lives in New Jersey so a future TESD appearance is more likely than previously thought.

Quinn puts his foot in his mouth at a Comic Con when he asks comic book writer Ed Brisson to draw something for Metro.

Q is living large at a Side Show Collectible personal tour but his ego is brought crashing down when a cute young worker doesn’t know who he is and assumes he has a popular YouTube page.

Walt is dreading Jury Duty and Gitem suggests getting a doctor’s note to dismiss him.  Walt needs to weigh his anxiety of Jury Duty and not wanting to break his No-Doctor streak.

#422: A Scarecrow’s Story

Featured Image by Kenny Rubenis

Description:

Depressed moods, insomnia, getting old, and embracing ones glaring shortcomings. It’s a tesd party!

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Reoccurring Segments:  

Quotes:

“In a galaxy far, far away, no one gives a fuck about Impractical Jokers.” – Q

“I’m gonna kick your ass motherfucker!  We’re gay!” – Bry as young Q angry at old Q for gay jokes at his expense.

“I start to get like Nicholson in ‘The Shining’ Maribeth and Sage outside and I’m just staring and drooling and shit.” – Bry about what happens when they don’t record for a while.

“Yeah Motherfucker!  That’s right asshole!” – Walt

“Just do it on an egg in Shoprite and see what happens in 9 months.” -Walt suggesting Q try to do it Shark Style.

“Where the fuck are my angels?  Why does Q have all the angels.” – Bry

“I hope I don’t run into Larry!” – Bry as Q trying to get recognized at Galaxy’s Edge

Memorable Moments:

Bry asks resident KISS experts Q and Walt about why KISS is performing an exclusive concert for Great White Sharks.  Are KISS getting ideas from Dethklok?  Would TESD sell tickets to an exclusive pod for a bunch of stray cats?

Walt reveals that “Forever” was his wedding song.

Old T-Shirt designs are back on sale at Merch Table

Walt unveils a new design “Baron Von Flanagan” for President reminiscent of when Howard the Duck ran in ’76.

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Walt asks what Q wouldn’t put his face on.  Would he market Q’z Condomz?  Only available in Double Magnum.  What would Q do if he came home and saw a spent Q Condom on his Casper mattress that he knows he didn’t use with his partner.

A woman has quit her job in order to live as a 50’s housewife and take care of her man.

Walt recently went to see George Thorogood, Bry is going to see Andrew Dice Clay.

Bry mentions he’s had a really down week and is looking into how to get more mood stabilizers but insurance is making him jump through hoops.  Bry has broken his favorite ‘punching door’ and tries to replace it himself.  He ends up with two broken doors.

Walt is so unhandy he is wary of even pounding a stake into the ground for scarecrow decorations, ends up splitting the reed.

Q goes to Galaxy’s Edge and his celebrity clout is not enough to get him special access to the rides, turning the wait into his own personal hell of never ending meet and greets.  Q discloses his usual routine to get special treatment.

#421: Retailer Holocaust

Featured Image by Victoria Priola / Staten Island Advance

Description:

Q officially launches his beer. Walt calls out Amazon. Bry goes gaga for a celeb.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Ming Chen

Reoccurring Segments:  

Puck Nuts Minute:  Antonio Brown causes havoc wherever he goes.  From refusing to wear the safety regulated helmets, secretly recording his coach and posting it on the internet, to numerous sexual assault civil suits.  Patriots drop him just as fast as they picked him up

Quotes:

“I’m saying right now, Bezos is gonna be the next Hitler.” – Walt

“Championships make you horny!” – Walt

“Generation after generation not understanding our brilliance, referencing old TV shows.” – Bry

“Ming gets a pass for weirdness that I wouldn’t extend to other people” – Bry

“It’s a shock you only have two kids, and the female survived.” – Bry to Ming.

“This is fucking podcast furniture!  You can’t expect fuckin’ Seymour and Flanagan!” – Walt about sponsor Burrow

Memorable Moments:

Bry states that Ming was unapologetically flirting with Maribeth at the Rubsam & Horrmann launch party but Ming gets a pass because that’s just who he is.  Ming says Bry was to blame for making her dress like a beer wench.

q brewz

Image by Victoria Priola / Staten Island Advance

Bry and Ming along with many celebrity guests bartended at Q’s R&H launch party.   Bryan tries to shame Walt and Mike for not RSVPing yes or no to the eVite.  Walt claims he should get a pass because of his social anxiety and said Mike didn’t want to go with brown stains on his hands from refinishing his deck.

Q mentions how proud he was of Gitem at the party.  He came dressed to impress in a tucked-in button up shirt, was friendly with everyone not letting his social anxiety get in the way, didn’t drink too much and even stayed after to help clean up.

A surprise guest showed up without Q’s knowledge, his wife having gotten him tickets knowing he was a fan.  Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys is spotted in line waiting for a beer and Bry get’s star struck.  Q exchanges numbers and is trying to get on Trailer Park Boys in the future.

TESD shits on another sponsor during a fantastic ad read for Burrow.  Walt questions the quality of the furniture and then say they are catering to lazy losers when he hears they have USB chargers built in.  The ad derails further when they talk about Amazon and free shipping with Walt comparing Jeff Bezos to Hitler.

A Long Island volunteer firefighter is suing his department for abuse at the hands of colleagues.  The other firemen would taunt him for being overweight and tampered with his equipment.  Q says ball-busting is part of the culture but you should never fuck with safety equipment.  Walt banishes ribbing from the Stash because certain employees can’t handle it.

Bry offers a hypothetical:  What if Mike did go to the R&H launch party and relapsed off of Q’s stash.  Would Q feel responsible for ruining 20 years of sobriety?  Would he pay for top dollar rehab?

Q takes a picture in front of the L.A. MeUndies Store.

Talk of old school metal heads that were way too into metal.  Bry talks about a program called Back in Control which was like the gay conversion camps for kids that were into Heavy Metal and Punk.

Bry offers up one final hypothetical after talking about was a party animal Q’s mom was, dancing all night at the R&H launch.  What would Maribeth do if she went to use the restroom and Q’s mom was in there doing lines of coke.  Would she tell anyone or would she do a bump with her?

#420: The Brothers Grimm(Er)

Featured Image by @antkoolaid

Description:

Bry’s brothers, Erik and Darin, drop by to tell tale of growing up Johnson.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Git ‘Em Steve-Dave

Erik Johnson

Darin Johnson

Quotes:

Walt: Same response from you?

Erik: No, because I understand how restaurants work.

Walt(asking what set Bry off): What could she have said that’s so egregious?

Git em: Hello

“Is crazy them going out and not inviting me?  Cuz yeah, then they’re wacky as hell.  They’re nutty!” – Bry about Erik and Darin

“In our family leaving the house is an achievement.” – Erik

“Is Bryan the most feminine of the three brothers?” – Walt

“Johnson hackles, Activate!” – Bry

“Why do you think your mother gave birth to three powder kegs?” – Walt

“The only hope for hostesses everywhere is if I get cancer.” – Bry

Memorable Moments:

Walt decides he’s going to only age in increments of 10 now.  He will say he is 50 until he is 60.

Darin and Erik go to New York to see a band with a friend of Erik’s and don’t invite Bryan.  Bry questions their decision to catch up with a friend in a loud bar listening to funk music.

Bry reveals that Erik was once banned from a restaurant in his home town after an altercation with a waitress when he was erroneously charged over 250 dollars on a 50 dollar bill.

Bry has suffered several recent indignities at the hands of hostesses at local restaurants.  (actual fault of the situations is questionable)

The brothers agree that all their temper issues stem from Edgar.  Darin lets slip that Edgar has recently mellowed following hormone treatment for prostate cancer.   Walt is amazed he has never heard about this before, Bry says he didn’t believe it was his place to reveal Edgar’s business.

Walt asks the hard hitting question:  Who is Pam’s favorite Johnson boy?  They agree it is either Darin because he is the baby or Erik because he’s the most respectable/impressive.

Erik and Walt bond over both receiving an embarrassing Bryan Johnson wedding Best Man speech.

At a kids party for Sage at a friends house Bryan answers the home owners land line.  Is this an invasion of privacy?

#419: Silver Ain’t Bad

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Description:

Bry and Walt take Q to business school. Walt defends an indefensible video. Who’s the coolest member of TESD?

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Reoccurring Segments:  

Fat Newz:  Weight Watchers releases an app for kids and faces backlash that they could discourage eating disorders.

Quotes:

“It’s never a good time when you piss your pants, unless you’re a baby or you’re senile.” – Bry

“That was the forked tongue talking.” – Bry

“Amazon’s on fire?  I just ordered shit!” – Bry as Kev

“I gotta keep the darkness inside.” – Q

“I guess the perception of me as cool is out the window.” – Bry

“Are you blasting the Partridge Family?” – Patreon Collaborator to Walt

“I don’t find wasted talent as cool, man.” – Q

Memorable Moments:

Bry scares an elderly woman at the pharmacy when he wears a shirt with “666” written on it.  She tells him that ever since he wore it in her store that the number of the beast has appeared everywhere in her life.  She thinks Bry might be the devil.

Bry talks about the weekly radio show he does with Erik Nagel  , Would you Kindly, and how Kevin appeared on the latest episode to discuss Masters of the Universe.  Bryan jokes that he has the scoop that Kevin wants to rename the title character to She-Man and that he will now live in Castle Gayskull.

Walt and Q briefly talk about Sony and Disney fighting over Spider-Man.  It is hypothesized that the new Star Wars theme parks focus on the new trilogy so they don’t have to pay Lucas anything.

Bry asks if having your partner say you are cool is like your Mom saying it.  Walt concurs that Maribeth must have blinders on when she claims Bryan is cool.  Bry texts Maribeth to ask who is the coolest person she knows.  Walt texts his daughter to ask her.

Bry believes no one can be 100% cool all the time, that even the Fonz got diarrhea.  He talks about a music video for Dancin’ in the Street where Mick Jagger and David Bowie, both cool dudes, act really lame.  Walt claims they knew they were being kitschy on purpose.

Walt thinks he loses cool points when he is caught blasting Partridge Family on the radio.

The guys go around the table rating each other on the cool scale 1-10.