#493: Potato Thighs

*Featured Image from @AntKoolaid

Description:

Walt and Bry panic. TESD begins a new era.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Mentioned Person:

Reoccuring Segments

Quotes:

“I can get spit on by some stranger right now and I’ll be like ‘It’s raining'”- Walt

“Walt’s concerned he’s gonna eat too many potatoes.” – Bry

“The Asbury Park Press is like ‘local celebrity loses his shit'” – Q

“I’m here with the notorious fat-phobe, Brian Quinn” – Bry

“How about Alice Cooper, he’s spooky, you’ll love him.” – Walt

“They’re slicing peoples throats for answers and I’m in the fetal position.” – Walt in a Taken situation

“Don’t forget your checkbook, hurhurhurhur” – Walt mimicking the bureaucracy in getting the new place.

“We’re gonna take the world by storm, at 55.” – Walt

Memorable Moments:

Bryan sees on Twitter that people were coming after Q on Tumblr for saying he wouldn’t date fat chicks, even though he has never said that and the confusion stemmed from a joke Bry made about the fake One True Three story of Q banging a skeleton balloon.

Bryan had a panic attack prior to recording leading Q to wonder if he’s just trying to one-up his doldrums from the previous week. Walt unleashes a tale so harrowing to put them both in their place.

It is revealed that when Bry and Q called Walt in the previous Space Monkey’s episode they had actually woken him up after he finally got to sleep after being up all night worrying about Alicia who was missing. She had attended a concert Walt had advised her not to go to in New York City after telling her parents she was staying with friends at College. When she never came home and did not answer her phone Walt calls her friends who tell him that she isn’t there. Walt and Deb find Alicia’s car at the train station and wait until the last train of the night but still she doesn’t show. Walt calls the police who track her phone’s last known location and tell him its in the water at Jones Beach. The local cops have no bedside manner but when Walt calls Troy, he knows all the right things to say. It turns out Alicia just crashed at a friends house and asked them to text Walt and Debi to let them know, but the friend had one digit wrong on the number so they never received it.

Bry sleeps in one day and is awakened by Maribeth who says Sage is no where in the house. She decided to walk to school by herself.

One time Alicia was late leaving work and wasn’t answering texts, Walt asked Debi if she thought he should crash the car through the front of the store.

The TESDTown General Store is closing up its business at the Stash and moving to it’s own location. TESD Studios in Hazlet with enough room for a production studio and recording studio and storefront. Walt is worried working in the same plaza as a KFC will give him potato thighs. Walt proposes to hire Git’em as the handyman and tour guide for Studio Tours. Git’em can even stay late and not have to hang out in parking lots.

A good Samaritan at KFC gives Walt and Git’em $20 for groceries after assuming they were homeless.

#492: Space Monkeys – Four’s Company

*Featured Image from TESDTown

Description:

Cookie etiquette, aging rockers, squirrels.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Frank 5

Mentioned Person:

Reoccuring Segments

Space Monkeys

Quotes:

“You think he’s warm wifing?” – Q

“You know those claw machines don’t count as games.” – Bry

“We’re all pawns in Walt Flanagan’s game”- Q

Memorable Moments:

Walt is in Atlantic City so the Space Monkeys convene. Q and Bry call Walt to find out why he went to AC and discover he and Debi have gone to see an Alice Cooper concert with Frank 5 and Mrs. 5. Walt claims they were the youngest people there and all the old folks were raising their walkers in the air to rock out. Walt says he caught the gambling bug playing Black Jack. Bry suggests Frank 5 get an apartment in Jersey for as much as he is down here for Patreon. Frank says he could move in with Git’em.

Q reveals he has been in a depressive state as of lately the likes he has not seen in years.

Bry sees Megadeath and nearly falls down some steps where a security guard has to catch him. Bry wonders how this affects how Maribeth see’s him, if he is like a used car whose stock is constantly depreciating.

Q hooked on Letterkenny on Hulu. Bry watches Lularich on Amazon about a leggings pyramid scheme.

Q feeds a squirrel who he has named Stumpy for over a year, enjoying the bonding time they’ve had together. One day Q see’s Stumpy getting humped and discovers she was a girl all this time. Stumpy became pregnant and has disappeared for months. Q misses the carefree days of Stumpy’s youth. The baby squirrels appear but without Stumpy and Q vows to take care of them in Stumpy’s memory. One day she returns and Q is elated.

#491: We don’t watch birds, birds watch us.

*Featured Image from TESD Patreon

Description:

Labor Day weekend, has TESD gone PC, conspiracy theories.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Mentioned Person:

Quotes:

“he may have found the fountain of youth, what is that? vonce de la playon” – Walt

“I don’t like to align myself with China. You know me, I bleed red, white, and blue.” – Q

“China is the biggest movie market in the world. Maybe, just maybe their evil communist regime will guide our ships back to the hunky seas.” – Q

“Celebrities need saving over there!” – Walt

“He’s so good looking he makes me want to get in the chair and fall out.” – Bry

“If I was Casper I’d be watching out for my dick right now.” – Walt

“You got to have a closed casket because you have your dick in your mouth.” – Q

Memorable Moments:

There is a complaint on Twitter that TESD has gone too PC for not ripping on Biden. Years ago they received the same complaints for not ripping on Trump. TESD is not a political show. Walt says politics have overtaken religion for most taboo topics to talk about.

China bans effeminate men in the media. Nashel says Comic Book Men could never be shown over there. Walt wonders if a regulatory board oversees the decision of what is effeminate.

Q sees a movie preview for a Swedish film called “Last Man Down” and claims it is a throwback to 90s-early 2000s era ass kicker flicks.

China also prohibits teenagers from playing more than 3 hours of video games a week, and only on weekends. They limit celebrity pay and do not allow children of celebrities to appear on reality show.

Q says AEW is the best thing on TV. Someone the guys know is working on a pilot for micro wrestling. People aren’t supposed to use the term “midget” on set but the little person performers won’t stop saying it. TESD remembers Hulk Hogan’s little person wrestling program on TruTV.

Bry attends a Labor Day party at Q’s place. Q can’t defeat Joe DeRosa at beer pong. Maribeth finds a way to fall out of a chair that is supposed to be impossible to fall out of. Bry sees she is ok and laughs it off until a hunky bystander helps her up.

In this Overkill episode Walt discusses numerous Conspiracy Theories.

Is Mattress Firm a front for the Russian Mafia? Q is more scared of the Russian mob than the Italian one because the Russians mess with your dick.

Why did the Iranian government buy so many military grade Russian dolphins?

Did Disney release the movie Frozen so that Google searches would stop returning hits of Walt Disney’s frozen corpse?

Are all birds seen today merely government drones?

#490: Balls!!!

*Featured image by Eric Mason

Pod Description:

Bry and Maribeth celebrate their first anniversary, What If, Walt and Bry on the set of Clerks III, Q creates sexual magic.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

ReOccuring Segments

Quotes:

“A marmoset took a liking to me” – Bryan

“I’m a fuckin’ adult!” – Walt

“I don’t like balls, I don’t like Daisy”- Bryan

“There’s no sun and no fun.” – Q

“You’re 50 years old you fucking moron!” -Walt

“This might be the last shot at the piñata for these guys.” – Walt about Ghostbusters.

“My balls are being ridden like they were manscaped.” – Bry

“Can’t we just drink bleach? USA USA USA!” – Q

“Do you think he’ll be wearing underpants?” – Walt about Fin Fang Foom

“Oh Maribeth writing copy now?” – Walt

“Imagine if she marries you and cheats on you with Q” – Bry about Walt and his sister.

“Year one it’s good to set up it’s not gonna get better than this.” -Walt to Bryan

“What, are you warm wifing Git’em?”- Q

“Strict no buns policy over here?” – Bryan about Git’em cutting carbs

“You don’t seem retarded to me.” – Bry as Debi Flanagan.

Memorable Moments:

Bryan was supposed to be at Q’s for some sun and fun but neither exists.

Q is excited for the Ghostbusters reboot. Walt warns him not to get his hopes up like he did with Kong VS Godzilla. Q predicts the ghost of Egon to appear.

Bry only texts Walt when he needs to record and adhere to the ads that Maribeth booked.

Walt cuts himself using Manscaped, Bry warns to take it back since one of the talking points is it’s nick free technology.

Walt did not enjoy “Daisy of Love”

Walt and Bry filmed their scenes for Clerks III. It was so hot that day Bryan thinks he got heat exhaustion. Walt got a sweet trailer and got to power nap before his scene. Bryan’s scene was scheduled for the same day as his 1 year anniversary to Maribeth. He had planned a fancy dinner at a steak house but after the filming he felt too sick and suggested Subs in the hotel instead. Walt gets looks from the crew when he says he’d rather run to McDonalds instead of ordering off the fancy healthy menu he is handed on set.

Bryan inspired to write 20 pages of Vulgar 2.

Walt warns of the Lambada varient.

TESD discusses “What if?” and “Shang Chi”

Walt reveals that he took Bry’s sister (Sage’s mom) to her senior prom. Bry asks “What If?” Walt married her and joined the Johnson clan. Bry remembers a time she was hitting on Fireman Q a long time ago. What if she drives Walt to suicide like Sage’s father.

Q coins the term “Warm Wifing” as the less swingery version of “Hot Wifing” where Bry likes to see other people paying attention to Maribeth.

Walt rewards Git’em with lunch at Roy Rogers after a 2 hour walk. Debi has adopted Git’em much like Walt has and offers to pay for his food like they would for their girls.

#489: TESD of Love

*Featured image by @BSJett

Pod Description:

Suicide Squad, reality tv, and erroneous tipping.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

ReOccuring Segments

Quotes:

“I’m obviously not as bad as the poor woman who ended up in a suitcase but we were victims as well as it turns out.” -Q

“Women only have one role I’m comfortable being a part of that.” – Q

“Oooo, you might want to distance yourself” -Walt

“I can actually dry swallow pretty good.” -Q

“Almost like a butt plug for your ear.” – Walt

“Walt’s got gaped ears.” -Q

Memorable Moments:

Walt running late as he forgot his mic at home. Q and Bry take the opportunity to take the piss out of him.

Bryan and Q go down to Elvis days in Tennessee where Adam Green tells Q he has to watch an 11 year old reality show called “Daisy of Love”. Q watches every single episode over three times in three weeks. He claims episode 5 is the funniest episode of television he ever saw. He has also been devoting much time and resources trying to track down what the contestants are up to today.

Bry talks about how the winner of season three of “I Love Money” killed his girlfriend where some cast members of “Daisy of Love” were contestants and due to the crime the season was never aired.

Q is a celebrity judge at the official Graceland Elvis tribute artist competition. There was a fire at the hotel and Q refused to leave. A music journalist’s wife tells everyone that they did anal on their first date.

TESD discusses Suicide Squad and agree it was a very fun movie and that Starro stole the show.

Walt accidentally tips 20 dollars on a single slice of pizza and can’t find a way to retrieve it and worse off no one saw.

#488: Channel 1,000,000

*Featured image by 

Pod Description:

Sal Vulcano joins the boys to talk Fed-ex delivery, anniversary gifts, Rumpology, and below-the-belt anatomy.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Sal Vulcano

ReOccuring Segments

Quotes:

“We did talk about his wife’s asshole a lot.” – Q

“But I think you can talk about a person’s asshole without a problem.” -Q

“I think it was as tasteful a conversation you could have about an asshole.” – Walt

“I feel like a cicada” – Sal

“If I had 10% of the output of this guy I wouldn’t want to kill myself constantly.” – Bryan

“I don’t want to spoil anything but even with the output I’m already there.” – Sal

“I’ve never seen so many spray painted penises in my life.” – Sal

“Didn’t the CDC say that flashing was against the COVID guidelines.” – Walt

“Maribeth was flashing but she had two masks over her nips.”- Bryan

“So many assassinations in the 80s I get them confused.” – Walt

“That sounds like a mental prison”- Sal about Walt

“Did you hear the good news? I don’t need a fuckin’ receipt!” – Bryan

“I was at Fantasies reading the future left and right.” – Q

“I have kids, they’ll never save the day.” – Walt

Memorable Moments:

Sal Vulcano returns to the podding table for the first time since episode 300.

Walt is looking forward to watching The Suicide Squad in the theaters. He never believed Starro would be in a film.

Was Jared Leto’s backstage antics on the original Suicide Squad a PR stunt?

Bryan and Maribeth’s first anniversary is coming up, the Paper Anniversary. Sal suggests getting tickets for a trip or a show. Walt suggests Bry learns origami. Bry says he should just fake a suicide note and the gift is that he’s still alive. Funeralz?

Sal is amazed at the quality of Patreon gifts TESD is releasing and marvels at how hard Walt works on it.

Walt leaks that TESD is releasing an 8-track podcast from the people that made Dolly Parton’s Christmas Album.

Git’em has been walking with Walt and his wife for 2 hours a day, three times a week. Walt reports that Git’em is doing his best to tone down his fact telling. Git’em was nervous about what Debbie thought of him.

Bryan asks if he was an asshole at a FedEx when he was trying to just drop off a package and the clerk told him he had to wait in line and get a receipt. When Bryan got to the front of the line was told a receipt was not necessary, Bry made sure to tell the first clerk the good news.

Walt amazed you can get packages shipped to Walgreens or Subway and pick them up there.

Walt recalls a man in the 1980s that could read backsides like a fortune teller read palms. Sal suggests getting a rumpologist on the pod to take everyone’s readings. Jackie Stallone, Sly’s mother, was a renown believer in rumpology. Walt’s example of a perfect butthole you’d want to read is Donna Dixon from Bosom Buddies.

Q shoots a scene for Clerks 3 and reports it was great seeing the whole cast back together, tells Bryan everyone is looking forward to his and Walt’s cameo.

Dan Ackroyd stole Donna Dixon from Paul Stanley. When Q realizes his comedy idol is married to Donna Dixon he feels guilty about how much they spoke about her butt.

The New Ghostbuster trailer is discussed. Walt does not want another movie where kids save the day.

Q and Sal reminisce about different times they’ve embarrassed themselves on talk shows. Sal’s jokes fall flat on Live with Kelly and Chris Pratt and Q accidentally insults Rosie O’Donnell on The View.

Sal’s friend Mark Normand makes a morning show host uncomfortable.

#487: We Got Musk

*Featured image by @TESDTown

Pod Description:

Bry, Q, and Jiggy go to Key West. UFOs, dogs, Git ‘Em gets life advice.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Troy

ReOccuring Segments

Quotes:

“How often do you feel a baby’s ass?” -Bry

“Yeah, fuck you science!” – Walt

“I can see sunlight under Flanagan’s balls.”- Q

“Next thing I know I’m getting reamed by dolphins.”- Q

“The dolphins know Tell’em Steve Dave? That’s why they’re flipping for you. Everywhere you go people putting a show on for you.” – Walt to Q

“Simmy works for ME now.” – Q

“You have fat, manly, masculine fingers.” – Walt to Q.

“I have a thigh gap.” – Walt

“We need walk prostitutes.” – Q

“That’s one thing I didn’t anticipate is having someone’s wet leg right against you.” -Walt

Memorable Moments:

Q, Jiggy, and Bryan just returned from a trip to Key West. Dolphins frolic and put on a show for them. It is discussed how dolphins have been known to be super horny. Q rented a golf cart for the trip so they could cruise up and down Duvall St. Jiggy, Q, and Bry all get Larimar pinky rings. Jiggy is chided for his slender fingers. Q considers starting up a salvaging business searching for sunken treasure.

Bryan annoyed at a dice game that Q won 7 out of 11 times. The guys go on a ghost tour on the Trolley of the Doomed but get a real dud of a tour guide that won’t stop talking about atrocities done to slaves. This reminds Walt of an aquarium tour guide that made an improper menstruation joke about sharks smelling the blood.

The Tenderloins start their own production company and hire Simmy to manage it. Could this mean Funeralz will be greenlit?

It is discovered Bry’s urologist listens to TESD. Is it a conflict of interest when he has a finger up Bry’s ass?

Bry calls Troy to ask who’s job it is to search through suspects stool after they swallow drugs to hide them.

More Frenchies are stolen this time from a mall. Walt said he would shoot to kill if anyone came for Cooper.

Walt tells a story of how Tom Mumme and his family were involved in a multicar accident while on vacation and their dogs escaped and ran on the highway. One dog was recovered quickly but the other was still missing after several days of searching. It was later found that the dog tracked it’s way to the tow truck driver who assisted them at the scene.

Q offers to help Git’em get in shape again by setting up a personal trainer for him. Git’em says he just needs someone to walk with.

The 2021 Summer Backyard Olympics are discussed with the many events to be featured. Frank 3 was a thorn in Walt’s side by arguing every little thing.

Is America a paper tiger when we don’t retaliate on cyber attacks?

#486: Gimme Dat Blue Milk

*Featured image by @TESDTown

Pod Description:

Bry is on his way to becoming a ‘good boy’. Forgiving a friend for his compulsion. The boys Hitlearn something.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

ReOccuring Segments

You Hitlearn Something New Everyday: A teacher is forced to resign after assigning a student a project to detail the accomplishments of Adolf Hitler, including cosplaying as the dictator.

Quotes:

“And you get that call, and it’s like Grandma died.” -Walt “Booooing” – Bry

“I got milk mouth baby, come here and gimme a kiss.” – Walt as Q

“I’m gonna give you a milk mustache… down there.” – Q

“When you invite a Q you’re gonna have to expect theres gonna be a delay on the shoot for tatas.” -Walt

“Hurhurhur going to the strip club boys.” – Walt as Bry.

“It was a skeleton crew, not judging by their weight.” – Bry

“It isn’t funny, but it is informative” – Walt

“This blanket’s snuggly, you’re like what the fuck he’s not even human he’s an ice troll!” – Q

“Uncle Q, Uncle Q, I want you to be part of this school project I’m workin’ on. I’m gonna be Hitler!” – Walt as Q’s nephew.

“Why can’t Chris Laudando light a candle instead of cursing the darkness.” -Bry

Memorable Moments:

Autumn is considered the best season of the year. Q judges people on if they agree to this or not.

How fast a conversation turns to weather is the gauge of how little you have in common with someone.

Q gets Bry into hot water by getting him to break his boycott of Fantasy’s GoGo bar after Maribeth is eliminated the first round of a wet t-shirt contest when all the other contestants were “professionals”. Q suggests Bry and some others kill time at Fantasy’s in between filming of the Patreon Bowling event and a podcast at the studio. After the pod recording Walt invites Bryan to get something to eat at Friendlys. This makes him the angel on Bryan’s shoulder and Q the Devil.

Walt questions how effective Blue Chew is, would you maintain rigidity in the face of an emergency, like if you receive news that your Grandma died? Has Blue Chew considered making a powder drink mix you can put in milk, like Nesquick.

Bryan posits a hypothetical if he was an EMS worker who helped people but secretly did it because seeing horrible accidents is his sexual fetish would it make his good works any less noble?

Walt and Q discuss Black Widow film and the Loki series.

Care Of vitamins do not smell like sweaty feet like other vitamins.

What would Q do if his nephew asked for help on a Hitler school project?

A woman poop bombs her neighbors for 25 years, is banned from going to the bathroom in public.

Walt is name dropped on the newest episode of Impractical Jokers. Walt can’t wait to show his girls.

#485: Westward Ho!

*Featured image by @sundayjeff

Pod Description:

Q is regaled as Bry, Walt, and Frank5 recount their vacation. Bry seeks counsel on answering a strange text.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Frank 5

ReOccuring Segments

Quotes:

“We were jonesing for real pizza. Hey man, where’s the Sbarros at?” – Walt

“I swear to God everything we’re about to tell you about this fucking tour guide is gospel.” – Walt

“Frank pussied out.” – Walt

“I feel like if society ended I’d have a hard time bringing back a lot of technology but I bet I could make this whistle work.” – Q

“Come on Smodfan” – Bry “Curator!” – Walt

“We are going to die on this trip I know it.” – Walt

“Not all heroes wear capes” – Frank 5. “Some just wear a frown sitting in a Mongolian restaurant.” – Walt

“You don’t want to go to St. Louis, you’ll get shot.” – Walt

“It’s like a tourist attraction where they rape you.” – Walt

“We’re like crack addicts driving around Pheonix looking for Sbarros.” – Walt

“Everyone salutes the 4 Color Demon flag.” – Bry

“who knows what dangers we’ll face after this, possibly our final, dinner together on this planet” – Walt

Memorable Moments:

Frank #5 calls in to help recap the trip to the Grand Canyon. One of the first stops was to the Columbus Zoo and a Whistle Factory for an hour and a half tour where the guide insisted on using a mic the whole time despite there being only 5 people in their group.

Q reveals that he bribes zookeepers so he gets more personal interactions with the animals.

On the first night they all go to a Mongolian restaurant and Walt heroically goes along with it. The second day the guys go to an L.L. Bean and take a picture in front of a giant boot. They all decide to go to the Mayberry Cafe to eat in the idyllic 1950s town of the Andy Griffith Show. Frank #5 has car trouble where he can’t drive over 40 mph. He takes it to a dealership to be looked at but then no one will come pick him up for lunch. When asked for fun things to do in town the waitress suggests setting fires in a field and hanging out at Walmart.

The group goes to flea markets and outlet stores in Indiana. Bry starts to feel ill and considers staying behind an extra day and just catch up later. Eventually he and Maribeth make the decision to head back to NJ.

The Fives and the Flanagans find a town where they have giant versions of items like in the Fortress of Solitude.

After all the concerned emails from Ants the group do not end up hiking to the bottom of the canyon and instead stick to the touristy areas like the chocolate fountain and the pizza parlor.

Walt encounters the most condescending tour guide he has ever met in his life at a Jeep off-roading excursion. She hated Walt for asking questions and was jealous when he talked to another guide about squirrels with the Bubonic plague. The tour guide also was extremely angry with BLM – the Bureau of Land Management.

The group visits Tombstone Arizona.

The group then goes on a Breaking Bad tour in New Mexico.

Walt and family go to the most dangerous mall in America where there were firearm sniffing dogs and posters warning about car break-ins and the carrying of guns. A waitress with a black tear drop tattoo angrily served them while staring down Alicia.

The group visit Metropolis IL.

It is revealed that Frank 5 bags up his trash to throw out at his dad’s house rather than pay for privatized waste management.

Walt gifts Bryan with Blue Sky rock candy from the Breaking Bad tour and a Frankenstein head gear shift.

Frank 5 backs down from a steak eating challenge.

A Green Chef ad has Walt mistaking Paleo for Paedo.

Git’em annoys Bryan by asking if Sage and Maribeth like waffles and then sending him a picture of a lewd waffle maker.