#359: Blue Ballz 4 Kidz

Description:

Is midnight too late to text your tailor? Q throws shade at Emeril. TESD considers taking the Tim Tebow challenge.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Quotes:

Almost every orgasm is an instant regret.-Q

Memorable Moments:

Bry turns 50, Walt says he needs to smash pre-conceived notions of 50 year old men.

Q gets his jeans tailored.

Q meets Tim Tebow

Ming gets a flux capacitor tattoo.

Walt asks Q how long he can go without sex like Tebow. What if there was a charity where people would pay per day he held out. The organization is Blue Ballz 4 Kidz 

The father of a friend of Bryan’s is a doctor and diagnosed Walt with hyperosmia or super smell

Music:

Blind Divide – Pathfinder

TESD TV

Pod Description:

It’s here! Bryan, Walt, Q, Gitem, and Sunday Jeff in this all original never before heard/seen episode of TESD. This pod is interlaced with animation and features the debut of the much anticipated game show: Quinn It To Win It. With your purchase you will receive:

• TESD T.V. Full Feature
• TESD T.V. Outtakes
• Bonus Audio Pod: Quinn It To Win It

Buy it at https://www.tellemstevedave.com/product/tesd-tv/ 

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Sunday Jeff

Git ‘Em Steve-Dave

Ming Chen

Mentioned Person:

Harris Khan

Sal

Frank 3

Frank 5

Frank 2

Courage My Love

EK Morris

Chris Laudando

Quotes:

“They’re making the special Olympics easier and easier every year” Q

“Bryan Johnson, it says here you have no interests” – Walt as a game show host introducing the contestants.

“Its a trans-Atlantic Ball Suckin'” – Gitem as Q

“Oooh I got bettah things to do, look at you hairy Mooks. I’m trying to become Metro-Erectus Q and get more ladies for da tribe.” Gitem as Homo Erectus Q.

“Is there a reason why Mike’s not here? Did you not invite him for a reason?” -Q

“Cut That” Walt under his breath.

Games Played:

You Gotta B-Quinn it to Win it

Game 1 Quinn on Quinn Violence. Q will debate a topic against the contestant acting as Q with Walt awarding points as he sees fit.

Game 2 Stop the Quinnsanity- An improve game where all three contestants interact with one another. Walt gives prompts along the way awards points as he sees fit.

Reoccurring Segment:

Memorable Moments:

This video pod is enhanced with cartoon vignettes animated by Harris Khan. Originally recorded in August 2015.

Walt, Bry, Q, Sunday Jeff, Gitem, and Ming all pitch 3 unique television shows for air in TESD Town.

Monday Night programming by Sunday Jeff.

8:00 show – Gitem Up starring Gitem as the worlds first Horse PI solving crimes at the race track.

9:00 show – Unfantasy Bryland which is “very similar” to Fantasy Island but everything always goes wrong. Bry plays the lead Ricardo Montelban role with Ming as his Tatoo.

10:00 show – TESD Sports Present Monday Night Indoor League. Walt and Sunday Jeff are the color commentators presenting the Lingere bowl.

Tuesday Night programming is proposed by Walt.

8:00 – Dollah Shave Power Hour. An animated program featuring Dollah Shave and his snobby British robot dog Honky fighting bad guys such as Hickler and the Gitem Man. The power hour also features Qubed where a young BQ and his living stuffed cat Mr. Whiskers go on adventures in the Staten Zone rescuing Princess Jennifuh from the tribe of Scooter Dudes. The final show in the power hour is SargeL18 and Princess Telequhua going on adventures in the vortex.

9:00 show- May I Be Frank? A reality competition show where a contestant must complete several disgusting tasks to become a new Frank #.

10:00 show – The Phantasmagoric World of Baron Von Flanagan, a twilight zone-esque show with the Baron as host.

Wednesday night programming presented by Gitem.

8:00 show – Bottle Pickers. Gitem goes to peoples properties to dig up trash in their back yard looking for things to sell at the flea market.

9:00 show – Mista Whiska which is show based on Mr. Ed with BQ having a talking cat that likes to cause mischief.

10:00 show – T.E.S.D.S.I. which is a crime procedural set in TESD town where Walt, Bry, and Q are lawyers trying to get Ming out of jail for smuggling.

Thursday Night programming is provided by Q.

8:00 show – Q, too. A more responsible 41 year old Q must put up with his rambunctious early 20s counterpart who has drunkenly fallen through a time portal.

9:00 show – Asshole Homeless Dude. A deadly virus is set to wipe out the human population but the only one with an immunity is a huge prick and in return for giving a cure he is assigned a get out of jail free card where no laws apply to him.

10:30 show (to avoid competing with IJ) – Double O Gitem, an adventure program with Gitem as the super spy.

Friday programming by Bryan.

9:00 show – Gitem Good, another crime show starring Gitem where he is an acclaimed detective who after a near death experience is visited by the ghost of Frank 2. who helps with him solve crime.

10:00 show – Fat News followed by the Arbitrary Arbiter where judge Walt passes judgment without any rule or reason like how he moderates his games.

11:00 show – Brian Quinn Time Gigolo a sexy Sci Fi romp where Q bangs his way through history.

Saturday programming is supplied by Ming.

8:00 show – Sunday Jeff is the coach and general manager of a Indoor League lingerie bowl team and must deal with weekly drama on and off the field.

9:00 show – a hidden camera program called Zapped, where Mike plays pranks on an unsuspecting public.

10:00 show – Puck Nuts, a drama filled program of 4 former hockey players who become sports commentators and face network pressure to be the number one sports show.

Sunday programming is 3 hours of the worlds next favorite game show “You Gotta Quinn it to Win it”

During the “You Gotta B-Quinn it to Win it” bonus audio it is revealed that Gitem’s boss at the race track is still criticizing him for his pins and his Secret Stash sweat shirt and that Gitem won a marathon in his age class at summer camp, for being the only one in his age group.

Q proclaims he IS still an average Joe because he had to clean his own bed after his cat shit and pissed all over it and didn’t even get a discount at Bed Bath and Beyond due to his celebrity.

Caveman Q, Neanderthal Q, and Homo Erectus Q try to advance their society.

Gitem is awarded the crown, a flat cap in the style Q always wears, and he immediately clips his LED sign onto it.

Music:

 

#355: The 2017 Overdose Full Special

Description:

A holy visitor guides TESD through the depths of hell to rescue the Baron.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Father Lance

Git ‘Em Steve-Dave

Ming Chen

Mike Zapcic

Chris Laudando

Quotes:

“Welcome to Hell, Father Lance. I see you brought your two altar boys with you, the Alt-Left and the Alt-Right.” – Chris

“Chris I can’t believe you’re still here with the oppressive heat. I would have thought a snowflake like you would have melted a long time ago.” – Father Lance.

Reoccurring Segment:

Dyslexia

What Would Sunday Jeff Do

Games Played:

Roast-off, Dyslexia, I Sell Comics Quiz, What Would Sunday Jeff Do

Memorable Moments:

“The first video enhanced Podcast.

Bryan shows off his bloody tampon in a mini sombrero costume as he reads a Good Housekeeping list of offensive costumes.

Q channels his inner Madea and pronounces the word “”Scared”” as “”Scurred”” the entire episode.

Baron Von Flanagan’s soul is trapped in hell for reading one too many facts. Bry, Q, and Father Lance must travel to hell to rescue him. To do this they must best four demons at their own game.

Their first oponent is Chris Laudando the Roaster of Souls, who Father Lance must beat in a Roast competition.

Their second challenge is given by Gitem the Jack-Off-Lantern, Gitem in a green suit with his face painted, who challenges them to a game of Dyslexia. Q’s lack of humility gets him into trouble as the Baron makes him answer question after question until he learns his place.

Third Father Lance is confronted by the two headed demon Mike and Ming and must endure a hellish recording of I Hell Comics about the top five Hell related comic characters and then answer trivia questions about the conversation.

The final challenge is given by the angel Sunday Jeff who gives them a quick game of What Would Sunday Jeff Do.

After all four challenges are complete the Baron reveals that his soul was never in danger after all and then proceeds to steal the soul of everyone who purchased a mini Prussian Skull.”

Link to video footage!

#342: The Rebranding of Baron Von Flanagan

Description:

Q doesn’t get the laffs, Bry definitively states what it means to be ‘the biggest fan’. Walt plans a solo career.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Mentioned Person:

Baron Von Flanagan

Quotes:

 

Memorable Moments:

Bry talks about the YouTube star who requested his underage fans to send him nothing more than twerking videos, until it was recently discovered that he was also requesting photos of their buttholes.

Quinn discovers an article written about the Impractical Jokers panel at Cannes; Quinn is accused of complaining about the half-empty audience.

Walt talks about the flack he received from the ants for attempting to rebrand TESD.

Walt shares his new idea of rebranding the Baron with the hopes of becoming as big as Elvira.

Walt attends his daughter’s 8th grade graduation

Music:

Nopium – Wanting

#339: Flanny Got Fingered

Pod Description:

Bry vs Q, Q vs Walt, Walt vs Bry, Arbor Day vs Cinco De Mayo

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Quotes:

“Alright Q, you gotta weigh in. Who came closer to getting raped” – Walt

“Could you not say Impractical Jokers and Sandusky in the same sentence please” – Q

“Open my front door and there they are. Lookin’ at me. With their non-white eyes!” – Bryan

“You gotta suck a little ant dick” Walt to Bry

Memorable Moments:

Bry tries to sandbag Quinn’s grammar on Twitter but it fails to land.

Bry, Walt, and Quinn share stories of their near-rape experiences.

Quinn’s hitchiking story in Hawaii.

Walt has trouble with the Spanish language when he tries to name a new TESD event

Origin of Cinco TESD Mayo

Q and Bry binge watch the Puppet Master movies and are astonished at the level of Nazism present in the films.

Q introduces Walt to the horror rap group “The Grave Diggaz”

Bry is annoyed at Chris Pratt for caving in and apologizing to the deaf community after releasing a video pumping up Guardians of the Galaxy asking fans to “turn up the volume and turn off the closed captions”

Music:

GRAYSON X – A Beautiful Nightmare

#335: Prince Q

Pod Description:

Sage gets married, Walt suggests an unorthodox method of fighting terrorists. Are prison boyfriends acceptable?

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Mentioned Person:

LeeLee’s Frenchie

Prince James

Quotes:

“I’m a Colonel, you’re a Free Mason ‘and he’s a sack of shit'”

“That might be the worst thing you’ve ever said”

“You might as well of had a gay lover in prison and hanged yourself”

Memorable Moments:

-Media frenzy over Dancing with the Stars (Lindsay Arnold) farting on partner’s head.
-Sage has a crush on a boy from school named ‘Prince James’.
-Sex with adults who have down syndrome.
-Frye festival disaster; Walt confuses Ja Rule with Jaden Smith; ‘Pa Rule’
-Walt thinks all terrorists need french bulldogs; Walt’s daughter (Alicia) creates the instagram account ‘LeeLee’s Frenchie”.
-Aaron Hernandez was rumored to have a boyfriend while in prison; later found dead with illumanati sign.
-Pam’s ‘Collectors Edition’ of crayola crayons depreciate in value.

Music:

Boom Child – I Want to Shift Your Sister

#330: Try the veal

Pod Description:

The boys welcome a superstar guest. Walt reconsiders a tap dancing career

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Joey Fatone

Quotes:

“Hitler is still… polarizing” – Walt

“I don’t want to be in this bullshit boy-band” – Joey Fatone

“Animal underwear for children, you’re a genius” – Bryan

“I’m sorry there will be a slight delay Joey Fatone has been hamburgled” – Bry

New Phrase:

Flanking

Memorable Moments:

Walt doesn’t know Joey Fatone from his NSYNC days, but is excited to recognize him as the veal guy from Hannah Montana.

Joey Fatone tells the forming of the boy band.

Joey Fatone walks in on Lance Bass making out with a dude.

Joey Fatone was furious when the other *NSYNC members ate his burger and fries

Walt is super impressed Joey is an official Wiggle and knows Wake Up Jeff 

Q donates to the ACLU on behalf of TESD to be woke.

Walt reveals his tendency of sleeping on the floor with his head under the bed (also referred to as ‘flanking’).

Music:

Galactic Polecats – Necro Girlfriend

#328: Take a blow

Pod Description:

Bry and Walt are joined by the smartest man in the room. Bry is not invited to a kid’s birthday party.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Git ‘Em Steve-Dave

Quotes:

“Yeah I don’t think they’re saggin. I think they’re big but not so big they become cumbersome” – Walt

“I can’t poop! My stomach hurts!” – Bryan

“I peacock around the house like ‘I’m smarter than Smith'” – Bryan

Memorable Moments:

Walt wants Gitem to rank how important it is to Gitem for others to know how vast his knowledge is.

Gitem annoys the CBM crew by popping sodas during shootings.

Walt comments on how he furiously tries to please everyone but has recently received hate mail.

Bry is blacklisted from lily chens 12th birthday party.

Gitem has a rivalry with Rob Bruce.

Gitem boasts he would stand up to a plane hijacker.

Music:

Concentric Circus – Pareidolia

#323: My Cousin Quinny Part II

Pod Description:

Q is put on trial by Fireants for crimes against Reddit.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Troy

Git ‘Em Steve-Dave

Mike Zapcic

Ming Chen

Sunday Jeff

Chris Laudando

Brian Maxwell

Rob Bruce

Simmy

Quotes:

“I ask you, should a person with buck teeth be labeled unfuckable?” Walt

THIS ISN’T ABOUT GIT ‘EM, THIS IS ABOUT ME!!! – Q

“Brian Quinn is not a murderer… maybe he is, I don’t know but he’s not on trial for that.” – Walt

“Sometimes, you know, there are people who deserve inoperable cancer.” Walt

“The fact that you are shitting, makes it impossible for you to perform fellatio.” -Walt

Reoccurring Segment:

Trial by Fire… Ants

Memorable Moments:

Walt calls Rob Bruce to the stand, who uses his positive eBay feedback as evidence of his trustworthiness.  As a “popculturist” Rob contends Q knows funny as IJ is a juggernaut in the current pop culture landscape.  Gitem questions the validity of the title “popculturist” and accuses Rob Bruce of stealing jokes from online Blogs for Comic Book Men.

Q takes the stand to testify in his behalf.  He tries to explain the Hillary long con and how it fell apart when she never appeared on IJ.  Q explains that the constant tax complaints were just to troll listeners.  The Prussian Kissing Devil story is revealed to only be 90% true.

Walt gives examples of how Q hasn’t changed much in the past 6 years and remains down to Earth and relatable including how he seldom misses TESD even with world wide tour dates and a deadly illness.

Gitem cross examines Q and posits that the aforementioned brain illness could have damaged the portion of his brain that knows what funny is.  Gitem reads several real Reddit comments about himself telling him to kill himself and hopes he gets cancer.  Gitem’s argument is that Q is blowing the hate he gets out of proportion when the hate Gitem gets is much more severe.  One of Gitem’s most damning pieces of evidence is the unfulfilled IJ DVD bonus pod.

Walt’s closing arguments cite Texas VS Ethan Couch where a wealthy teenage boy got off a vehicular manslaughter charge because he suffered from Afluenza, where someone who is so rich and secluded he didn’t know his actions had consequences.

Music:

Lo-fi Fun Factory – Pull yourself together

#322: My Cousin Quinny Part I

Pod Description:

Q is put on trial by Fire…ants for crimes against Reddit.

Host/Guest:

Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Troy

Git ‘Em Steve-Dave

Mike Zapcic

Ming Chen

Sunday Jeff

Chris Laudando

Brian Maxwell

Rob Bruce

Simmy

Quotes:

“Yes, the judge is on pills so you don’t have to file a motion” – Bry

“He shat on Funeralz, bro” Walt

Walt: objection! Your honour, Mr Chen was under the spell of Marshall Manlove when he made those passes at my client.

Git’ Em: I counter he said he was NOT under hypnosis.

Troy: and I counter he is always under the spell of man love.

Even if I did chub up, could you tell? Ming

Reoccurring Segment:

Trial by Fire… Ants

Memorable Moments:

Bry goes all out in his role as judge wearing a robe and bringing his own gavel.

Judge Bry doesn’t seem to know how plea deals work, blames the loud volume at Lonestar Steak House where he and Walt planned the trial for any confusion.

Troy is there to act as a judiciary expert to help both sides of the precedings.

The prosecution and defense opening statements are filled with gravitas and callbacks. Walt lists Q’s comedic contemporaries, none from the last 50 years.

Prosecution calls the first witness, the commentors on Reddit. Gitem reads their testimonials, highlighting positive comments about himself. The final testimonial is a series of clips of Q making him come across as boastful and out of touch.

Walt calls his first witness, Mike and Ming of I Sell Comics. Mike and Ming lend credibility to how celebrity did not go to Qs head and he remains relatable. Gitem cross examines asking about Ming’s “romantic” feelings for the defendant and plays Q’s “ching chong” song to distract.

Walt’s second witness is Mr. Simmy, who Walt doesn’t question in relation to Q at all and instead focuses on how he thought the idea for Funeralz was terrible but the concept appeared in an episode of Billy on the Street. Gitem cross examines Simmy and demonstrates how Q does NOT know funny by having him say “Hey Mustache Whats up” while holding up a map of Staten Island behind his head.

Walt’s third witness is Sunday Jeff, who maintains Q is relatable and an upstanding guy.  Gitem cross examines asking why he doesn’t watch IJ if Q is so funny.

Walt’s fourth witness is Chris Laudando who provides examples of Q knowing funny but devolves into Roast Mode half way through.

Music:

Waco Band – Agitation