#485: Westward Ho!

*Featured image by @sundayjeff

Pod Description:

Q is regaled as Bry, Walt, and Frank5 recount their vacation. Bry seeks counsel on answering a strange text.


Bryan Johnson

Walt Flanagan

Brian Quinn

Frank 5

ReOccuring Segments


“We were jonesing for real pizza. Hey man, where’s the Sbarros at?” – Walt

“I swear to God everything we’re about to tell you about this fucking tour guide is gospel.” – Walt

“Frank pussied out.” – Walt

“I feel like if society ended I’d have a hard time bringing back a lot of technology but I bet I could make this whistle work.” – Q

“Come on Smodfan” – Bry “Curator!” – Walt

“We are going to die on this trip I know it.” – Walt

“Not all heroes wear capes” – Frank 5. “Some just wear a frown sitting in a Mongolian restaurant.” – Walt

“You don’t want to go to St. Louis, you’ll get shot.” – Walt

“It’s like a tourist attraction where they rape you.” – Walt

“We’re like crack addicts driving around Pheonix looking for Sbarros.” – Walt

“Everyone salutes the 4 Color Demon flag.” – Bry

“who knows what dangers we’ll face after this, possibly our final, dinner together on this planet” – Walt

Memorable Moments:

Frank #5 calls in to help recap the trip to the Grand Canyon. One of the first stops was to the Columbus Zoo and a Whistle Factory for an hour and a half tour where the guide insisted on using a mic the whole time despite there being only 5 people in their group.

Q reveals that he bribes zookeepers so he gets more personal interactions with the animals.

On the first night they all go to a Mongolian restaurant and Walt heroically goes along with it. The second day the guys go to an L.L. Bean and take a picture in front of a giant boot. They all decide to go to the Mayberry Cafe to eat in the idyllic 1950s town of the Andy Griffith Show. Frank #5 has car trouble where he can’t drive over 40 mph. He takes it to a dealership to be looked at but then no one will come pick him up for lunch. When asked for fun things to do in town the waitress suggests setting fires in a field and hanging out at Walmart.

The group goes to flea markets and outlet stores in Indiana. Bry starts to feel ill and considers staying behind an extra day and just catch up later. Eventually he and Maribeth make the decision to head back to NJ.

The Fives and the Flanagans find a town where they have giant versions of items like in the Fortress of Solitude.

After all the concerned emails from Ants the group do not end up hiking to the bottom of the canyon and instead stick to the touristy areas like the chocolate fountain and the pizza parlor.

Walt encounters the most condescending tour guide he has ever met in his life at a Jeep off-roading excursion. She hated Walt for asking questions and was jealous when he talked to another guide about squirrels with the Bubonic plague. The tour guide also was extremely angry with BLM – the Bureau of Land Management.

The group visits Tombstone Arizona.

The group then goes on a Breaking Bad tour in New Mexico.

Walt and family go to the most dangerous mall in America where there were firearm sniffing dogs and posters warning about car break-ins and the carrying of guns. A waitress with a black tear drop tattoo angrily served them while staring down Alicia.

The group visit Metropolis IL.

It is revealed that Frank 5 bags up his trash to throw out at his dad’s house rather than pay for privatized waste management.

Walt gifts Bryan with Blue Sky rock candy from the Breaking Bad tour and a Frankenstein head gear shift.

Frank 5 backs down from a steak eating challenge.

A Green Chef ad has Walt mistaking Paleo for Paedo.

Git’em annoys Bryan by asking if Sage and Maribeth like waffles and then sending him a picture of a lewd waffle maker.

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